LordInsidious.Livejournal.com

Mike, remember how you commissioned me over a year ago to write a short story from a supervillian's point of view? Well, I had to turn in a short story for my comedy class today, four pages or less. This is what I wrote:

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LordInsidious.Livejournal.com


Subj: Progress

V. productive day! Renovations on Dungeon C going quiet well. Workers installed laser dismemberment table today. Wanted to test on watermelon, but watermelons were out of season, so used cantaloupe. Success! Had fruit salad for lunch.

Nuclear moon laser proceeding ahead of schedule. Should be ready next month. Budgeting working on appropriate ransom amount to demand of world leaders.

New episode of Heroes tonight! ^__^

Mood: Excited.
Music: “Perfect Day” - Hoku


Subj: Stupidfriends

Talked to Sheila, new head of Superfriends Advisory committee. Says odds of them uncovering nefarious moon-vaporization plot now “likely to highly likely.” Developed plans to have entire crime-fighting organization win lavish, 3-week vacations to Maui — $50,000 not anticipated in budget. Will have to cease renovations on Dungeon C and delay project indefinitely. Stupid superpowered freaks. H8!

Have lunch meeting with the Excruciator tomorrow. Just know he is going to show off ugly baby pictures.

Mood: Disappointed
Music: “You Make Me Sick” – Pink


Subj: Lunch Date

Excruciator’s offspring photos worse than had imagined. Purple-y. Fetal-y. Bloated. Conversation consisted of endless monologues on diapers and preferred brands of formula. Found myself unable to finish organic sun dried tomato wrap. Perhaps discovered cure to obesity epidemic. Ugly baby pictures = miracle appetite suppressant? Would explore further, but findings might benefit humanity.

Saw Sheila after lunch. Went over details of Superfriends-Maui-diversion plan. Why? Why? Should not have to concern myself with matters not related to lasers, like hotel reservations. To top it off, Heroes is a rerun tonight. No justice in the world.

Mood: Depressed
Music: “Witness” - Sarah McLachlan


Subj: Explosions!

Good news! Security caught spy attempting to infiltrate secret volcano base. Found him in lava ventilation tubes on routine patrol. Hahaha. n00b. Got to use laser dismemberment table for real! Resulting explosion MUCH cooler than with cantaloupe. Joy dulled, however, by one minor problem: HOW DID HE FIND MY BASE? HOW? WHY? WHEN? WHERE? Has he told anyone? If so, who has he told? If so, where do these people live, and do they have any close personal friends that would make good hostages for elaborate and public revenge scenario? If so, how can I incorporate lasers into said scenario? Sheila swung by to discuss possibilities, even though not her job. V. peculiar.

Nuclear doomsday moon laser due to be finished next week. *does a dance*

Mood: Satisfied
Music: “It’s My Life” – Bon Jovi


Subj: FRIENDS ONLY



Comment to be added.

Mood: ANGRY
Music: “Nobody’s Fool” - Avril Lavigne


Subj: Suspicious

Figured out how spy found secret volcano base. Had to make LiveJournal “friends only.” Stupid internets.

Also, beginning to suspect Sheila has a crush on me. Keeps inventing reasons to visit. Unsure whether instincts are correct, and if so, whether to act on this. Mentioned situation to Larry in human resources, and he advised I “hit that action.” Still not certain romantic entanglements a good idea now. Might provide fatal distraction at the most vulnerable stage of my plans. Then again, she’s hot, and likely a sure thing.

What the hell.

Mood: Hopeful
Music: “Everlasting” – Kenny G


Subj: Kick-Ass Sweet Awesome PWN!

Nuclear doomsday moon laser finally finished! Laser looks like something out of old, crappy Battlestar Galatica with Lorne Greene, and not new, vastly superior Battlestar Galatica with Edward James Olmos, but otherwise could not be happier. Once plans are in place, will be able to hold world for ransom. If demands are not met, will vaporize moon, thereby removing tides and throwing global weather system into disarray. If demands are met… will probably still use anyway. Why waste perfectly good doomsday laser?

Completion of laser gave me HUGE confidence boost, so asked Sheila out for Thai food. She said yes! But she said she wanted to pick the restaurant, and would not tell me where we are going. Worried.

Also, laser will have to be tested before threatening world leaders. Alas, no spare moon to test laser on. Hmmmm.

Mood: Elated
Music: “Everyone Wants to Rule the World” – Tears for Fears


Subj: Doomsday moon laser FTL

Total disaster. No other moons to test laser on, so was forced to test it on real moon. Then stupid me scheduled date with Sheila on same night as doomsday laser test. Horrible planning on my part. Blamed secretary and strangled her to death telekinetically. Still did not feel better and had to push back laser test two hours.

Sheila took me out to Red Lobster. Did not bother to ask if I was allergic to shellfish. Stuck eating breadsticks all night. Discussed favorite movies and bands. Mentioned deep love for Bon Jovi. (When world domination plans come to fruition, he will be spared.) Sheila laughed at me. She called Bon Jovi an 80’s has-been. Was forced to telekinetically strangle her for her insolence. Date a failure.

Laser a failure. Turned it on and moon did NOT blow up. Left blackish scorch mark on Sea of Tranquility and that was it. What now? What? What? Astronomers will notice big scorch mark, and then tell Superfriends, who will come to secret base and kick ass, that’s what. So unfair. Tempted to strangle engineers telekinetically for their incompetence, but didn’t feel up to it.

Will now have to move secret volcano base to different location and booby trap the old one. New base will likely be not as cool. Will probably be in a cave or rat-infested castle.

Also, Tivo mysteriously did NOT record new episode of Heroes. Will never find out if Hiro saves New York.

Will never find true love. Will never have nice things. Will never take over world. :-(

Mood: Crushed
Music: “Foolish Games” – Jewel


Subj: Real Estate

Housing market is total crap. Could not even find cave. Had to rent out office in industrial park under name of LunarTech Inc.

Mood: Inconsolable
Music: “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” – Green Day


Subj: I am a Genius!

I am a genius! Thought of way to salvage moon laser debacle. Laser does not blow up the moon, but does make v. good engraving device. Have decided to sell off idea to highest bidder and engrave the winning corporate logo on lunar surface. Best, most visible billboard space on Earth is on the Moon. Will make millions… billions. Maybe more. Besides, gazillionare business entrupieteers (sp????) get much ladies, or so I have heard.

Giving serious thought to trading in cape and menacing black ensemble in favor of business suit. Will probably go for it, as am allergic to spandex.

Mood: Creative
Music: “I Will Survive” – Dianna Ross